The other night my wife was on a late shift and I found myself holding my PSP playing Football Manager again.
Started from scratch – it’s last season’s game so 2010-11 and I came in as Tottenham manager, and somehow by mistake I’m French.
I’ve tried the lower league team start, but it becomes repetitive. You can’t afford anyone, but you talk Darius Vassell into coming in on a free and on wages you can’t really afford. You have to release five players to foot the bill. But in return you get 20 goals, promotion and a bit more cash off the board so you can buy David James and a young Portuguese centre half that your assistant said “would be a good addition”. You then gain promotion again and you’re staring at the Premier League, a loyal fanbase that loves you and a board that is “delighted” with the team’s progress but isn’t happy with the wage bill. But as you know, success isn’t cheap. It’s at this point you go to the board to up the wage bill again because no-one is going to come and play for £15k a week when Villa will give them £30k. The board tells you it “believes there are sufficient funds to be successful at this level”, but you know it’s not true. You carry on, offering players paltry wages and you’re playing a now 34-year-old Vassell alongside a 35-year-old Kevin Lisbie, with a 72-year-old Jaymo in goal in the topflight, getting stuffed 4-0 every week. Everyone hates you and you get sacked 12 games in. Next thing you know you’re at Braintree in the Conference
I didn’t go lower league, I went Tottenham. Straight into the squad – got rid of the rot: Crouch, Keane (who took some persuading to leave and wound up at Atletico Madrid (fair play to the lad)), Jenas, Kaboul (big regret there, but Barca came in with £9m and I couldn’t resist), Palacios (eventually in January), Bentley, Hutton…etc.
In came Scott Parker, Ever Benega from Valencia and Ryan Taylor from Newcastle to bring a bit of competition at right-back. Corluka was becoming “rather lax in training”, according to my assistant, Kevin Bond. Love Bondy – he was my rock. He backed me whenever the players became a bit agitated about being dropped. He was a bit too loyal to Keano, though. Always suggested sticking him on the bench or even giving him a run-out. Just had to tell him: “Kev, I don’t know what you think you’re playing at, but Robbie’s sh*t. His legs have gone. He’s finished at this club. Now drop it.”
Things went really well the first year. Took two losses to find my feet: was trying to play a 4-2-3-1 (of course), but it wasn’t working, so went 4-4-1-1. Pretty similar to this year’s team, minus Adebayor. Played Pav up top mostly. Pav’s a funny lad. Very quiet in the dressing room, but intelligent and given the chance, will put it in. Stuck by him and he clocked up 23 goals that year. Had Defoe coming off the bench, he hit 14. Can’t really complain. Modric’s price tag doubled after that first season, too.
We finished top of the league. Got knocked out of both the CC and FAC in their first games, respectively: they’re a waste of my time and the club’s time. Got through the CL groups and lost to Real in the last 16.
Second season. Bit more cash from the board, with a request of more of the same and maybe a bit of progress in Europe. The Europe thing stuck in my head, so I hit the market. In came Juan Mata (not yet at Chelsea, so £10m). Bought Podolski for £15m. Tried to persuade RVN to not retire. Didn’t happen – he wanted £70k a week. Not going past £40k for someone in their mid-30s. Went 4-3-3. Bale to LB, Parker with Modric and VDV either side and Mata on the left and Podolski on the right of a front three. Pav spearheaded the attack. Benega was my go-to guy in Europe, and Kranjcar, although not fully happy about playing a bit part was great off the bench and as cover. A true pro.
Was going well, the team warmed to the formation and tactical changes. France approached me with an offer to coach the national side as well as Tottenham. I agreed – broaden the CV a bit.
However, last night something happened. I lost my head. Went flat 4-4-2 against Galatasaray in the CL groups and drew 0-0. Quickly came home and reverted back to the 4-3-3 and drew 0-0 away at Birmingham. And that was it. I resigned. Don’t know what it was really. Maybe BAE’s attitude. He’s a cracking lad, and I know he just wanted to play, but going to the press criticising me and the club isn’t happening. Podolski had recently picked up World Player of the Year, too. I just can’t put my finger on what the problem was.
Next thing you know, Benitez is at the Lane and I’m at Deportivo, where I recognise the names of three players (including, strangely, the Welsh lad Joe Ledley in the middle of the park). Played four, lost three, drawn one.
Funny old game.